Non replies
To: Ed Balls, House of Commons
Dear Mr. Balls,
At this time every year I like to write to a few public figures who have done so much to guide the country through the minefield of daily life and not received the praise due them.
I think you are a particularly worthy recipient of such praise. Not only have you rightfully taken on greedy parents, and tackled the curse of poor teachers, but you haven’t been afraid to act first and ask questions later, and your admission to the TV cameras that division is what politics is all about showed a rare candour lacking in others.
I was also amused to see the backlash to your use of N-Dubz to crack bullying. Isn’t it sad that the press can’t see that the alliance of someone like yourself and a group of hip song songsters as a positive thing? R U Cybersafe is a brilliant example of how to use modern means to tackle a time old problem, and shows how old and new can be married together, something the Labour Party has always been good at. Whilst you can deliver, something like this would look like crude cashing in if a Conservative did it. That’s why we need you to win in 2010!
Altogether you have worked under the radar for much of the year it galls me that you do not get the thanks you deserve, so, insignificant though it may be, can I pass on thanks for the great show in 2009.
Can I also say how empowering it is to see a husband and wife team with a young family fitting political careers around a hectic work-life balance. I’m not sure how you and Harriet Harman do it but it’s a credit to your diligence and drive.
Trusting you will be able to find at least some time for much needed rest and relaxation over Christmas.
Yours sincerely
Colin Nugent (Mr.)
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To: Margaret Beckett, House of Commons
Dear Mrs Beckett,
Hope you don’t mind receiving that rarity these days, a letter of praise. I saw you on Question Time the other week and thought you were magnificent. It would have been easy to rise to the bait and traded swear words (I’m sure you’re quite capable there) but instead you dealt with the audience with impeccable grace. Comes from being a woman of considerable style and elegance.
It was obvious at the end your eloquent ways and classy demeanor had carried the day and had them eating out of your hand. And well deserved too, your argument clearly carried sway; the expenses rules are a real problem, but to their credit very very few MPs have abused them in any way. Even when the do there’s nearly always a good explanation, the simplest and most compelling one being that MPs don’t cheat because it’s not in their nature. A point not made forcibly enough in my opinion. Moreover it’s important MPs claim near the maximum year on year to show it is working. If not the sums allowed could be reduced and that would have consequences for the less well off. What we have here is an example of collective responsibility in action.
But this is not my reason for writing. No that’s to say congratulations for putting your name into the hat for the Speakers job. The country is in need of some glamour these days and a face like yours would be a real lift for the nation. Michael Martin was an excellent choice but someone who’s easy on the eye is much overdue. Your mix of brain and beauty is a winner. As soon as I saw your photo in the paper I told my wife it’s a one horse race!
All the best,
Colin Nugent (Mr.)
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To: Bob Ainsworth, House of Commons
Dear Bob Ainsworth,
I’m sure you have a hefty mailbag and don’t need me to add to it further but I just wanted to offer a personal thanks for all the unseen hard work you put in over the past few months.
It’s fashionable to knock others these days. Especially politicians. You, I know, were a victim of this while standing up for our boys and doing everything possible to defend the armed forces. What a pity we see it as our right to rubbish those on the front line such as yourself, what a shame more people don’t say a quiet thank you.
In your case it is the quiet dignity I so admire. In these days of image and presentation it is good to see a man who is unfashionable stolid and free of all the hokum. With youth and good looks at a premium it’s refreshing to discover a politician who ploughs an altogether different furrow. What you have done is put down a marker for the workaday, level headed journeyman, and that is a great achievement.
I personally would trade in spin for a dose of your brand of mundanity. What you have shown is that quiet reason and a brand of ordinariness can often be quite adequate.
Where others would put on a show, you’re happy to let folk take you as they see you and if they find you dull, then so be it. Not everyone can be a looker.
While others feel the need to groom themselves, you feel no need atall and that’s a rare strength these days.
Yours sincerely,
Colin Nugent (Mr.)
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To: Georg Boomgaarden, German Ambassador
Dear Ambassador,
Your country and ours face troubling times. Recession, credit crises, global meltdown. These are phrases we hoped we’d never hear again only for them to return with vengeance. How depressing it is for all of us
And in many ways you, like everyone else, are impotent, which can only make it worse. But all is not lost. I have been thinking hard how folk like yourself can work their magic and think I may have come up with something. As you’ll be aware one of our problems is an ever-weakening currency. The pound has taken a hammering and we’re feeling the strain. And here’s where you come in. What an uplift it would be for the hard-pressed Londoner to see a foreign ambassador with his pockets hanging out and a forlorn look on his face.
Trousers tied with a cardboard belt, hair in a mess, and paper bag with a bottle inside. You’re getting the picture. Anything you can do to give the impression that things are anything but rosy chez vous would give the folk here a much-needed uplift. Okay, it requires self sacrifice from yourself but what a supreme gesture as a guest in someone else’s country. Just as you remember The Berlin airlift, we’d remember Herr Boomgaarden and his dog on a string.
It’s a huge ask, and I feel sure you’ll feel obliged to downplay it but a furrowed brow and a Germanic hrmph as you wander the streets and explain to the Big Issue salesman you’re no richer than him would be much appreciated. Meanwhile enjoy your stay in Britain. It is a pleasure to have you here even if you are better off, and have every right to look down your nose at us.
Yours sincerely,
Colin Nugent (Mr.)