Here are a couple of exchanges not in the book. More to follow
The Private Secretary, The Duke of York, Buckingham Palace.
Dear Prince Andrew,
Rum times eh! Everyone scrapping round for pennies and not a lot to look forward to. Buggered all ways as far as I can see. Crikey, not good news for you!
Your job as a special business envoy must be one of the hardest in the country under current operational conditions and yet you seem to get hardly any good press for all the effort you put in. This despite your diary for last year being Herculean. Why is that? Where’s a bit of applause when it’s due? It’s a disgrace. Actually I know why it is, it’s because our so-called ‘free press’ (Murdoch and his hounds) is so sold on celebrity it can’t tell a real story when it jumps up and bites it on the backside. Sorry about the language but you’re navy chap and understands the lingo.
Well, in the absence of anyone else chirping up, can I lead the way by saying bloody well done. To me you are Britain personified; young, thrusting, racy, but with just the right dash of old fashioned manners. Not for you the sharp cut suit and Jimmy Choo shoe. You’re more blazer and smart casuals. Britain at its best, old but young, demure but strong, Abba but Kaiser Chiefs.
You’re a true ambassador doing a superb ambassadorial job. And for sod all praise. So I wonder if I could propose a spot of help. I know a chap at the local rag who is up for a good news story. Swamped with accounts of street robberies and benefit fraudsters. Fortunately he runs a small competition every once in a while in which he invites members of the public to ‘guess the face’. Bit of light relief amongst the bag snatches. Normally he has to make do with agency pix, all a bit second rate. But imagine how much more uplifting it would be if he had a real shot taken from a quirky angle. Funny face, bit of gurning, get the idea. Folk enter as per normal then on the big day the paper reveals the real face (you) explaining how it was supplied by your self.
You can feel the mood lifting as I speak. And who knows, from small acorns, etc. Won’t save the economy but it will do its bit to lift the national gloom and stop us being moody sausages. I know and you’re rushed off your feet but if anything offbeat could be forwarded it would be knock out. Meanwhile huge thanks for being such a brilliant role model. One day you’ll get your reward. Maybe a medal in it. Reckon you’ll know someone who can sort that out eh!
Keep up the terrific work. You are a truly good man.
Yours sincerely,
Colin Nugent (Mr.)
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Later-
Dear Prince Andrew,
May remember I wrote a few weeks back about the gurning idea. Parking that to one side, as the phrase goes, can I change topics as something else has come up-
Did you see that Dispatches prog the other night? Course you did, you were in it. Shocking editorial standards. Number one you’re a member of the royal family and as such beyond any sort of reproach, well in my belief at least. And secondly their beef was some bloke who bought your old house hasn’t done much to look after it. So? Are you really responsible for what the new owners have done, that’s a new one on me?
Hypocrisy I say. The press didn’t like the house when it was built, and don’t like it now that it’s falling down. You can’t win. What will they be making a show about next? Your mother doesn’t suffer fools gladly? As though you can be queen for 60 years and not be a wiley old fox.
The important thing is the man in the street is right behind the man in the stately home. There’s two types of journalism; good journalism and jealousy, and I know where that brand of hack journalism should be ‘dispatched’ to.
All power to you in these trying times.
Yours sincerely,
Colin Nugent (Mr.)
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Dear Mr. Nugent,
Thank you very much for your two letters, and for your kind comments about The Duke of York’s role as the UK Special Representative for International Trade and Investment.
His Royal Highness works tirelessly on behalf of UK plc, and in support of Her Majesty The Queen, and considers what he does as both a duty and privilege as a member of the Royal Family; he is delighted to support UK Plc and is encouraged by Government and industry that his work is important and worthwhile. You can be sure that he will continue to carry out his role to the best of his ability in the future and, as you rightly mention, his position is proving to be even more valuable, during this time of recession and difficulties for British industry, across the board. If you have not seen it already, we try to put across a true flavour of what The Duke of York is doing on his web site; www.thedukeofyork.org.
I’m afraid that I don’t think that your proposal to include an unusual photograph provided by me for the newspaper competition is appropriate although I am sure that there are a multiplicity of The Duke of York in the public domain, which you could use.
The Duke Of York has asked me to pass on his good wishes,
Yours sincerely,
Alastair Watson
Private Secretary to The Duke Of York.
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Alistair Watson Private Secretary to The Duke of York, Buckingham Palace.
Dear Alistair,
Thank you for you reply. You’re quite right, it was a poor idea and you did well to spot it. I’m sure in other organisations it would have slipped through and all hell would have let lose. Prince Andrew is clearly made of smart stuff and knows a stinker when he sees it.
Have had a look at the website as suggested. It’s brilliant. Over 500 business related engagements in one year! Don’t know why some whingers bleat on about the golf, brilliant we’ve got a Royal who partakes in something that doesn’t involve a horse!
And most of it on a slim budget. What’s more, protocol probably restricts him in a way that other trade ambassadors aren’t so inhibited. Suspect Peter Mandelson has the chance to slip in the odd catty remark about some foreign rival operation and get away with it, or can wine and dine a few oligarchs on a boat in the Med, nods as good as a wink, play the dark arts, whilst Prince Andrew has to approach it Ted Dexter style at all times, straight bat, down the middle, and walk before waiting for the umpire to call it out. Which is incredibly laudable, but does seem unfair. Still, at risk of putting my daisy roots in it again and pitching a non-starter can I run one last idea past you and see if it ticks the boxes.
You’ve doubtless seen Dragons Den; would be entrepreneurs turn up and have their spoils picked over by the angry Scotsman and his chums. All knockabout fun but very much the retail end of things, gimmicks, faddy stuff, not entirely the message that Britain’s open for business that we need to get across. But looking at your cast list of admirers on the website, I was struck at how much better it would be if the show could reflected their world. How? Okay the Prince turns up at The Den, unannounced, skips up the stairs, and turns the spotlight on the so called business gurus. ‘What third rate rubbish have you put your money in this series Theo?’ ‘How about you Debs, not backing another bunch of no hopers with their projected turnover of ten million from a karaoke egg whisk?’ Then he lays out a few home truths. ‘Come on Jonsey, why not back a major highway construction scheme in the third world that brings jobs and prosperity to the region while allowing British expertise to lead the way, instead of a cat litter tray that lights up?’ ‘All of you, stick your cash into a steel rolling mill in the west midlands that makes components for the next generators of super conductors instead of trying to cash in on a self cleaning bow tie’. Dull, but essential. Real industry, the stuff the Prince champions so ceaselessly.
Meanwhile down below Evan Davies (the gnomish one) cups an ear in glee as he listens to the Prince deliver a lecture on the importance of investment in the countries core industries, maybe highlighting visits like the one to Jaguar Land Rover last year.
In the end the Dragons are driven out of their Den by the Prince (may need a sharp stick to make it more visually interesting) abandoning their newly clamped flashy motors and forced to take the bus home like the rest of us.
I’d call it Dragons Done, and reckon it would make an excellent special that shows the BBC hasn’t abandoned its Reithian remit while highlighting the underrated achievements of the Prince. Do let me know when you’re spoken to Andrew. I’m sure the BBC would snap our hands off for it. Certainly a lot more viable than the terrible idea I had last time.
Yours sincerely,
Colin Nugent (Mr.)
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His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales, Clarence House.
Your Royal Highness,
I have long admired the Princes Trust providing, as it does, work for a cross section of society. In a similar vein I have been doing my own bit of confidence boosting by raising spirits through a few well-placed words of praise where I can. I know this is the philosophy of The Trust.
Yet in all this we forget those at the top, the ones ‘giving it out’, sometimes need the same vote of thanks but rarely receive it. It’s lonely at the top, I’m sure, and unusual for those who head up the show to get unsolicited letters of gratitude, but unfair they don’t. A heartfelt well done for doing all they do. Well here is just such a note. Nothing specific, nothing in particular, just a letter of gratitude for all you do. Opening things, signing things, watching things. It must be a grinding life with times as grim as they are and you suffering every bit as much as the man in the street, probably more so. Except because you’re at the top no one thinks to say well done or that you too might need a bit of a lift every now and then, too.
I suspect a lot of work we don’t know about goes into a walkabout or a lunch engagement or being in the right place at the right time. It’s a skill few any of us could do with the commitment you do. I’m sure it can be fun, but working flat out for five days a week must be a terrific strain. I imagine you rarely get to read letters like this and even more rarely ever respond because of protocol. But you should know that one of the things that empowers ordinary people is knowing you are re-assured by a public who recognise the enormity of re-invigorating young people, running a business, sorting out the nonsense we call modern architecture, while all the while preparing for the throne.
May luck and fortune be upon you,
Colin Nugent (Mr.)
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Dear Mr. Nugent,
Thank you for your letter to the Prince of Wales. I am replying on his behalf.
I know that His Royal Highness will much appreciate seeing your kind and supportive words; thank you for taking the trouble to write to the Prince Of Wales, As you correctly point out everyone needs some praise!
This comes with all best wishes
Yours truly,
Jonathan Hellewell
Everyone, underlined. Even Royalty benefit from the Nugent touch!!