The Nugent Report-
Ignorance is bliss-
Mervyn at the Bank hit this one on the head. Too many people – Peston especially – quick to find fault, when we all know that this is an imperfect world. Hs phrase – know what you don’t know – sums it up perfectly. Better still know that what you do know, you will one day realize you didn’t know afterall. In short, less said the better. And less said by the critics the better. That goes for shareholders and consumers and the public in general. So shut up man in semi, accept we all get things wrong, and recognize what you don’t know matters, not what you do. And over time will realize we know even less. Next!
Handling the critics-
Follows on it’s clear we need a way of tackling the muckrakers. Back to Peston and his ilk again. Less hot air about the environment, chance to knock the country into shape and maybe, just maybe, emerge with the recession judged a good thing. E.g. dress code for supermarkets, less swearing on TV, French put in their place.
Useful idea-
Big support for anything that protects the High Street and maintains consumer spending. This puts onus on a few key figures and need to minimize that risk. Insuring Kate Moss, Twiggy and Take That against loss, to the value of the British economy. Myleene Klass may need inspecting by a loss adjustor. Possibility of putting one of the Take That boys on the excess to reduce bill.
Confidence-
The big one! And nowhere is that more essential than at the very top of the pile. Too many of our men in charge feel undervalued. Disastrous if they give up the fight. Never mind saving banks or working class jobs, what’s needed is a concerted plan to keep the movers and shakers feeling well liked and valued. Among ideas floated;
Directors Fighting Fund
Corker this, government sets up a fund which the great and the good can dip into for cash if they need a bit extra to keep them motivated.
Gifts
Idea would be to place a ‘businessman list’ like a wedding list, online, for members of the public to check and buy for. Even small gifts can lift spirits in the boardroom and make a real difference to corporate mood.
Holidays for execs
Like gifts but involves an aeroplane and an exotic foreign destination. Basically we’re talking subsidized breaks for execs to keep them firing on all cylinders. Ask Tony if he can help out. Got houses all over the place – sure he’d let us have the keys for a luxury short breaks in UK.
Bankathon
Similar to the other things, but with lots of celebrities, and all the money going to the banks. Which brings me onto the subject of the Square Mile. Lots of good suggestions here
Show Us The Money-
Banks are failing to use the one thing they have going; cash in the vaults. Folk feel worried because they think the safe is bare, end result panic. So we run a campaign in which the goodies are put on public display in the main banking hall to re-assure Tom Dick and Peston how well they’re doing. Need to liaise with Home Office and police. No point it becoming a burglar’s charter.
Loadsmoney/Notloadsamoney-
One for Sir Alan and the The Dragons. Deliberate dropping of money and the reckless mishandling of large wads of cash. Gives the general impression that we’re awash with the stuff. Great for business. Give everyone a lift. And a laugh. Another good thing.
Nb – same idea but in reverse. French Ambassador etc. walks round like a pauper. Makes us all feel better. Could Foreign and Commonwealth office approach other governments to see if diplomatic representatives will play ball?
Endorsements-
Some agencies aren’t pushing themselves as much as they could. Eg FSA. What about endorsements, and merchandise.
Humour-
One for Foxton’s but might work elsewhere. If all else fails play the comedy card. Laugh in the face of adversity. Ask around, suggestion that when a company is about to file for bankruptcy the Chairman should appear in public in a funny hat. Might not save the company but at least we have a chuckle.
Schedenfraude-
Received a lot of support. Might not be able to save our banks or currency but we can take pleasure looking at others misery. Suggestion that Royal Family could play an active role with their wealth. The Russians, the Chinese, the Americans, the Europeans … thanks to the global economy we can now find a reason to hate almost every other country on the planet. We should use this advantage and whip up grumbles against anyone who has done for us.
The Stupid Gene-
Very much a long term goal but would it be worth slinging a few bob the scientists way to see if we can actually pin down what makes people stupid?
A few one offs to run with-
Rolls Royce – rebrand all Nissans with RR badges. Saves car industry and makes us a nations of Rolls Royce owners overnight. Not bad for a recession.
BA – use of horn (yes they do have one} to play patriotic tunes as they come in to land.
Morrison’s (and others) possibility of cheap banks. No interest, no investment, basically just somewhere safe to stuff your money rather than under he mattress. Need a secure room with a good lock and Alan Hansen to promote.
Beer – a good thing. Generally encourage more drunkenness. Brings in tax and deadens the feeling of despair.
Boris Rolls – whole nation to do mass Boris Johnson impressions at rail termini. Don’t know why, seemed like a good idea at the time.
Need to speak to Poundland about Sponsoring Treasury.
Finally if all else fails invest in a pharmaceutical company then get ill and watch the profits soar and dividends rocket. Sick but rich.